End the Clutter Wars (and love your spouse again)

If you are being driven to distraction by your partner’s incessant messiness or neat freak nagging this article is for you.

As a veteran professional organizer, I have seen first-hand how organization, or lack thereof, can become a major source of tension within a household. There is an alternative where everyone loves their home (and their partner) once again. Here are some ways to reset the relationship and move beyond the finger-pointing, resentment, and annoying piles to create a harmonious, comforting space that everyone loves:

1. Recognize that different people have different tolerance levels for clutter. “Different clutter tolerances” is a thing. Different is not wrong, it is just different.

2. Don’t take the clutter, or constant cleaning, personally. Your husband is not being lazy, nor does your wife love to nag you. It is not about you, but, rather, their own ingrained clutter tolerance level.

3. Healthy communication is the way out. Address the situation during a time when everyone is calm and open to discussing the issue, like over a meal or while taking a walk.

4. Have your partner offer his reasons for doing something the way he does. Listen with an open mind. Be neutral. Chances are his responses will surprise you — like the husband who leaves his unpacked suitcase by the bed for weeks after the trip has ended because he wants his trip bliss to linger.

5. Offer recognition in a neutral way that acknowledges that there are two sides to the issue: “I know that this does not bother you, but it bothers me.”

6. Work together to establish “must tidy” and “hands-off zones.” Cooperatively determine which areas need to be kept clutter-free, like an entryway or shared clothes closet, and establish rules to keep these areas neat. For instance, shoes need to be put away each evening before dinner. Similarly, accept that certain areas used mainly by one person in the house, like a desk or a nightstand drawer, can live in whatever state that person finds most comfortable. Respect these rules.

7. Reset the relationship by offering compliments for big and small achievements. This way everyone feels appreciated. 

Compromise, patience, and gratitude are keys to maintaining the peace when you and your partner have different clutter tolerances.